Journal Pages

I used to have this random question popped up in my head which at the time, it didn’t occur to me to examine the reason behind it. “What am I doing here?” was the question, I didn’t ask but felt like it was asked of me, by my subconscious.

The first time that I ever paid attention to it was when I was in the Sprout’s parking lot in Little Saigon, only a couple of minutes to Thai Elephant- a local’s favorite. It must have been around 8-9 pm, I had gone to get some groceries and been feeling pretty lonely, thinking to myself there’s no point of going home if there was no one there. Shortly after, on Valentine’s Day, I moved back in with my partner at the time. Well, that didn’t go too well which makes sense since the decision was fear-based and that’s never good.

I might have heard that question asked a few more times after that, however, I’m unable to recall them now as they are vague or just too sad.

Fast forward to 2024, having just moved back to Sai Gon, my niece and I decided to hang out at Jump Arena-a new trampoline park in District 7. I got frustrated with directions on the way there because I just didn’t know my way around this city, especially not District 7. Something came over me because I told myself to get it together. In an instant, I let go of the unnecessary and consuming frustration which I had been holding so tightly like it was my baby. Within seconds, my body felt lighter, I started thinking we would get there no matter what because I would figure it out. And we did. It was the best evening I had in a long time – wholesome and fun.

Before heading home, we stopped to get some dinner, some Mi Sui Cao – a Chinese egg noodle dish with dumpling which hit the spot perfectly. After that, we got some Sam Bo Luong – a Vietnamese/Chinese dessert to go from this desert stall which has been in business for as long as I could remember. I shouldn’t be surprised that my niece also grew up eating from this food stall, after all my brother has already taken her here countless times.

Eating at the food stalls in my neighborhood was the therapy I didn’t know I needed. This night single handedly marked the end of an era, one filled with heartbreaks, loneliness and aimlessness.

For the last 3 months, the question ceased to visit me in my downtime or during the quiet hours at night, after I put my phone away to go to bed and before falling asleep. The winding stairs made out of yellow blocks of stone, covered with tiny black, yellow and white asymmetrical specks stands still. The faithful orange floor across the whole first floor blends in well in the dark.

I’m left laying on my bed, safely existing in my childhood home.

If you’ve ever felt like the world is too big, too confusing or just downright overwhelming to tackle on your own, then this blog post is for you.

I know what it feels like when it seems like there are so many things in front of us that we can’t do anything about because they’re just too big. It’s not true though!

Finding ways to be more savvy and less overwhelmed by our lives is actually really easy with these 61 tips that will make you a savvier traveler and give you some peace of mind at home.

Read on if travel has been on your mind lately but maybe you don’t have the time or money to take a break from life right now – this post is perfect for all types of travelers!

1. Be prepared with a travel kit that includes necessities such as medications

Make sure to carry a travel kit with you when going on vacation. This will make it easy for you to stay healthy while away from home by including things like medicine and other items that are essential for your health.

Whether you’re going for a week or two on vacation, or on a business trip, make sure to travel prepared. My travel kit always includes tons of medicine. I don’t want to catch something while out on the road, so I’m prepared for anything!

In my dreams, he didn’t make it.

His facial features were never clear, still I knew it was him. I had had a similar dream to this before where I saw a body frame that could pass to be my ex’s. I started reading the email thread back in 2021 when we started talking again after a period of no contact. I found comfort in the familiar words like I could almost hear him saying them to me in his tone of voice and strangely, it’s like there was never a break up and we never fell out of love.

As I’m typing this, part of me knows that I once again am romanticizing this relationship and I’m drawn to this guy’s potential while neglecting the way I felt, the doubts I held.

Man… now I miss our relationship again. This is all because I’m a Cancer Venus. I don’t see myself falling in love with this guy anymore and we never retrieve what we’ve lost. PERMANENTLY. What a fucking experience! To have someone like that YET the universe doesn’t want “us” to be a thing. I really hope my husband/partner is also waiting for me. I honestly am done with being strong.

For now though, I gotta do what I must do to keep myself sane because on top of a brutal relationship of my early 20’s, I’m grieving a precious place where I had spent a lot of time adulting. I’ll spare you the reason why it’s not easy for me to go back to California. But let’s say for now, it’s not possible for me to come back to visit if I want to which is just as bad as the break-up. This yearning for a place you can’t go back to is surreal and can be a lot for one to bear. It hadn’t crossed my mind when I was deciding to move back to Vietnam for good. To be honest, how could I at that time? I was a wreck. 

I’ve developed a theory that if I travel to new places that I connect with and use them to fill in the void within me, the longing for my previous home might be alleviated. That’s it, that will be the overarching goal of 2024. Wow 2024 looks so wrong when typed out. Not wrong but different. I can see new people coming in this year and every cell in my body is screaming  “NOOO I WANT EVERYTHING TO STAY THE SAME”, “No more changes for the next 10, NO 15 years”. This is how I know I knew so little about myself because I used to think I love changes or am an adaptive person when it comes to life-changing events. When in fact, it’s just my nature, the chaotic tendency that wants to create those events and my poor self has to deal with the consequences. Now that I learned it the hard way, I understand that I actually resist changes, just like every fucking human being around me. I’m not that special. So now what do I do to make these changes less drastic, honestly, I have no idea.

I’m willing to learn though.

I found myself not being able to recall his face anymore. It had been over 1 month or 2 months almost since we last talked. All the lasts were taking place without us knowing it was our last times doing them- last call, last text, last email. Was it last night or this morning that I was thinking to myself he’s becoming a Tu** – the ex before him. I was so hurt, broken, mad and disappointed and I grieved for such a beautiful time that we had together which ended the ugliest way possible. The amount of unhealed traumas and shadow work required for that relationship to survive apparently outweighed our effort of reconnecting.

However, the thought of forgiving him again and continuing this insane connection seemed outrageous. Yet the thought was there.

I felt devastated knowing this time there’s no coming back.

“HANG IN THERE GIRLFRIEND, ALL OF YOUR OLD VERSIONS ARE ROOTING FOR YOU!!! TIEN IN 2021 WOULD BE SO PROUD OF WHERE YOU’RE HEADED. I AM PROUD OF HOW BRAVE YOU ARE, HOW KIND, CREATIVE, LOVING YOU ARE TO YOURSELF.”

The thoughts came up, again and I was overwhelmed with a realization, one that’s a little negative. I caught my train of thoughts and redirected it.

My mind was filled with resentment thinking of all of my lasts with him. Right then, just by the mentioning of his name, a wave of grief mixed with the feeling of longing consumed most of my brain capacity. 

 “I want to cry now” was what I was thinking to myself. My mind continued to wander, travel in time to the future, where he and I would cross paths but that’s as far as my imagination could go, I couldn’t make out any details of this meeting (probably because there’s a high chance we won’t ever see each other again). Still, something popped up- a question from my subconsciousness – “Will I be able to smile when we see each other again?” which was so cliche and I wonder if for relationship that end on bad terms, do people ask this type of question too ?

Regardless, the range of emotions relating to grief and heartbreaks and where my mind goes throughout this whole experience is what impresses me the most It’s fascinating. The beauty and struggles behind it all – dark, turbulent and tricky. Being in an unhealthy romantic relationship during your 20s is like riding a roller coaster. One minute you thought you had control over the situation and the next, the it was only giving you a minute to catch your breath before the next drop. 

Dealing with a break-up in your early 20s is so much different to that in your late 20s. Now I call the pain my growing pain as if they have a purpose and think thoughts such as “This pain demands to be felt”which is actually effective in coping with a broken heart.  Just 5 years ago, I would stop eating, feel helpless because I had created a life without a support system while going on about how horrible my ex was in my journal. It seemed like the pain and I were just hanging out, infinitely and aimlessly which is one of the most challenging thing I had to go through in my 20s. A heart-broken girl who’s stuck in desperation with absolutely no agency to get out of it. How I got out of it was a miracle to me. It’s either time heals all wounds and/or I’m freaking resilient.

Besides letting myself feel my emotions, finding the lesson the pain/emotion tries to teach me is a great tool.  I’m easy to be pleased (I wasn’t always this way) so it takes very little for me to feel content, both effort and finance wise. I’ll be happy as a clam with staying in on a Saturday night, door dashing  a pepperoni pizza/making instant ramen noodles and Netflix. I knew this to be true because it’s what I miss the most. And having someone to do it with is the cherry on top.  

Who knows happiness could be this easy but brings so much joy and light for a person. 

My new thing as of late is taking myself on a 35-min ride to get my groceries from a place called World Market (its real name is Mega Market but I used to love World Market back when I was at Folsom Lake College which was 45 minutes from Sacramento). It’s no Trader Joe’s but more like Costco (another place I liked to shop at) so regardless of the decisions paralysis the shopping experience causes, I was over the moon whenever I went.

Having lived in Central Vietnam for 2 years, I feel like I’ve barely scraped the surface of this part of Vietnam. The odd thing is, I’m not one that has to go see and check out all these places whenever I live in a new city. My routine is more like getting settled, checking out their grocery store to locate there nearest Trader Joe’s, Target and Costco, gas stations, nail salon, Starbucks (if all fails, I’d go to the good ol’ trusty Philz), comfort food spots, etc. with a goal to make them my third places. When I lived in the U.S, these places were the anchors to my physical reality. They are what have maintained my equilibrium and keep me sane, without them, I’m uncertain I would have made it thus far and be here making a blog.