The thoughts came up, again and I was overwhelmed with a realization, one that’s a little negative. I caught my train of thoughts and redirected it.
My mind was filled with resentment thinking of all of my lasts with him. Right then, just by the mentioning of his name, a wave of grief mixed with the feeling of longing consumed most of my brain capacity.
“I want to cry now” was what I was thinking to myself. My mind continued to wander, travel in time to the future, where he and I would cross paths but that’s as far as my imagination could go, I couldn’t make out any details of this meeting (probably because there’s a high chance we won’t ever see each other again). Still, something popped up- a question from my subconsciousness – “Will I be able to smile when we see each other again?” which was so cliche and I wonder if for relationship that end on bad terms, do people ask this type of question too ?
Regardless, the range of emotions relating to grief and heartbreaks and where my mind goes throughout this whole experience is what impresses me the most It’s fascinating. The beauty and struggles behind it all – dark, turbulent and tricky. Being in an unhealthy romantic relationship during your 20s is like riding a roller coaster. One minute you thought you had control over the situation and the next, the it was only giving you a minute to catch your breath before the next drop.
Dealing with a break-up in your early 20s is so much different to that in your late 20s. Now I call the pain my growing pain as if they have a purpose and think thoughts such as “This pain demands to be felt”which is actually effective in coping with a broken heart. Just 5 years ago, I would stop eating, feel helpless because I had created a life without a support system while going on about how horrible my ex was in my journal. It seemed like the pain and I were just hanging out, infinitely and aimlessly which is one of the most challenging thing I had to go through in my 20s. A heart-broken girl who’s stuck in desperation with absolutely no agency to get out of it. How I got out of it was a miracle to me. It’s either time heals all wounds and/or I’m freaking resilient.
Besides letting myself feel my emotions, finding the lesson the pain/emotion tries to teach me is a great tool. I’m easy to be pleased (I wasn’t always this way) so it takes very little for me to feel content, both effort and finance wise. I’ll be happy as a clam with staying in on a Saturday night, door dashing a pepperoni pizza/making instant ramen noodles and Netflix. I knew this to be true because it’s what I miss the most. And having someone to do it with is the cherry on top.
Who knows happiness could be this easy but brings so much joy and light for a person.