In my dreams, he didn’t make it.
His facial features were never clear, still I knew it was him. I had had a similar dream to this before where I saw a body frame that could pass to be my ex’s. I started reading the email thread back in 2021 when we started talking again after a period of no contact. I found comfort in the familiar words like I could almost hear him saying them to me in his tone of voice and strangely, it’s like there was never a break up and we never fell out of love.
As I’m typing this, part of me knows that I once again am romanticizing this relationship and I’m drawn to this guy’s potential while neglecting the way I felt, the doubts I held.
Man… now I miss our relationship again. This is all because I’m a Cancer Venus. I don’t see myself falling in love with this guy anymore and we never retrieve what we’ve lost. PERMANENTLY. What a fucking experience! To have someone like that YET the universe doesn’t want “us” to be a thing. I really hope my husband/partner is also waiting for me. I honestly am done with being strong.
For now though, I gotta do what I must do to keep myself sane because on top of a brutal relationship of my early 20’s, I’m grieving a precious place where I had spent a lot of time adulting. I’ll spare you the reason why it’s not easy for me to go back to California. But let’s say for now, it’s not possible for me to come back to visit if I want to which is just as bad as the break-up. This yearning for a place you can’t go back to is surreal and can be a lot for one to bear. It hadn’t crossed my mind when I was deciding to move back to Vietnam for good. To be honest, how could I at that time? I was a wreck.
I’ve developed a theory that if I travel to new places that I connect with and use them to fill in the void within me, the longing for my previous home might be alleviated. That’s it, that will be the overarching goal of 2024. Wow 2024 looks so wrong when typed out. Not wrong but different. I can see new people coming in this year and every cell in my body is screaming “NOOO I WANT EVERYTHING TO STAY THE SAME”, “No more changes for the next 10, NO 15 years”. This is how I know I knew so little about myself because I used to think I love changes or am an adaptive person when it comes to life-changing events. When in fact, it’s just my nature, the chaotic tendency that wants to create those events and my poor self has to deal with the consequences. Now that I learned it the hard way, I understand that I actually resist changes, just like every fucking human being around me. I’m not that special. So now what do I do to make these changes less drastic, honestly, I have no idea.
I’m willing to learn though.