I used to have this random question popped up in my head which at the time, it didn’t occur to me to examine the reason behind it. “What am I doing here?” was the question, I didn’t ask but felt like it was asked of me, by my subconscious.
The first time that I ever paid attention to it was when I was in the Sprout’s parking lot in Little Saigon, only a couple of minutes to Thai Elephant- a local’s favorite. It must have been around 8-9 pm, I had gone to get some groceries and been feeling pretty lonely, thinking to myself there’s no point of going home if there was no one there. Shortly after, on Valentine’s Day, I moved back in with my partner at the time. Well, that didn’t go too well which makes sense since the decision was fear-based and that’s never good.
I might have heard that question asked a few more times after that, however, I’m unable to recall them now as they are vague or just too sad.
Fast forward to 2024, having just moved back to Sai Gon, my niece and I decided to hang out at Jump Arena-a new trampoline park in District 7. I got frustrated with directions on the way there because I just didn’t know my way around this city, especially not District 7. Something came over me because I told myself to get it together. In an instant, I let go of the unnecessary and consuming frustration which I had been holding so tightly like it was my baby. Within seconds, my body felt lighter, I started thinking we would get there no matter what because I would figure it out. And we did. It was the best evening I had in a long time – wholesome and fun.
Before heading home, we stopped to get some dinner, some Mi Sui Cao – a Chinese egg noodle dish with dumpling which hit the spot perfectly. After that, we got some Sam Bo Luong – a Vietnamese/Chinese dessert to go from this desert stall which has been in business for as long as I could remember. I shouldn’t be surprised that my niece also grew up eating from this food stall, after all my brother has already taken her here countless times.
Eating at the food stalls in my neighborhood was the therapy I didn’t know I needed. This night single handedly marked the end of an era, one filled with heartbreaks, loneliness and aimlessness.
For the last 3 months, the question ceased to visit me in my downtime or during the quiet hours at night, after I put my phone away to go to bed and before falling asleep. The winding stairs made out of yellow blocks of stone, covered with tiny black, yellow and white asymmetrical specks stands still. The faithful orange floor across the whole first floor blends in well in the dark.
I’m left laying on my bed, safely existing in my childhood home.